My aura is angry-cherry-red today

So today is the 8th of March. All day long. Until the clock strikes 12. Which means I still have time to be congratulated by normal people, unlike my mother. Who has evil powers. I mean, all mothers have evil powers, but my mom takes the cake. And her scariest evil power is the ability to know when I’m dating someone. And now I’m not. Which is ALSO a problem for her.

Because, apparently by now, I was supposed to have a serious relationship. Which should become an engagement at the age of 23. And a marriage by the time I turn 24. And my mother’s evil plan ends with me providing her grandchildren by the time I turn 26. And for that plan to work and her grandchildren to be cute AND smart, the future father has to fit a very strict profile.

The first “must be”, which should be answered in the affirmative before I can pass go and collect the $200: Is he Romanian? (’cause what good providing grandchildren if he gets them out of the country anyway?). Check.

I can then move to:

Educated. Check.

-if he uses the causative correctly and knows how to use the fish tableware: secret bonus check

Doctor or lawyer. Check

- medical or law student: possible future check once they pass the boards or the bar.

Engineer, police officer or future priest: half a check.

Writer, artist, or teacher: you lose a previously awarded check.

-writer with published books, artist with paintings in galleries, college teacher who happens to be under 30: check reinstated.

Comes from a good family. Check.

-comes from a ridiculously wealthy family: secret bonus check-check.

Is a good boy (translation - you’ll be having sex in the missionary position for the rest of your life…May God have mercy on you). Check.

Usually, my mom doesn’t understand why I don’t just get along, fall madly in love and get married with a guy that goes through this interview process (a.k.a. dating) and gets all the checks and bonus cheks.

You would think that now that I finally decided not to date men who don’t fit my mom’s profile, she will be happy. But she’s not. She called to say “Happy woman’s day and don’t you dare be alone today, get a men, damnit, or I swear this time I WILL disinherit you!”.