Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of icecream!

So I’ve decided that the reason guys can be very relaxed after a breakup and immediately hook up with another chick is that the XY chromosome is missing that extra extension of the XX chromosome housing the gene that keeps me awake and upset for months.

There is this guy I had a crush on, four months ago. Unfortunately, he gave me the “it’s not you, it’s me” sh*t just before Christmas and since then we are ignoring each other. But today seemed to him like a nice day to get into a fight. Not the kind of fight you are now imagining, no. A more stressfull kind of fight, the kind that even though doesn’t contain words like “bitch” or “asshole” or “dickhead”, it hurts hell more.

So after four happy months of ignoring each other, he sends me this message, just to say “Hi, I’m still ignoring you. Have a Happy Easter. P.s. I hope you’re happy. [just like we (n.r. me and my new girlfirend) are]“.

Now I would’ve prefered any other kind of fight. The “Fine.” “Fine!” “FINE!” “FIIIIIIINE!!!!!” kind of fight; or the simultaneous screaming “I hate you, you jerk!” “You’re a pain in the ass!” “I can’t believe I actually dated you!” “One more sound out of you, and I’m going to toss you over the balcony!” that ends abruptly into an uncomfortable silence; or the, “You did WHAT?!” “But..I…” “WHAT?!” “Oh YEAH? Well what about the time you…” “Don’t you even bring that up. That has nothing to do with this!” “Yes it does!” “Shut up.” “You shut up.” “No, you shut up.” “No, you.” “Aaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!” fight. I mean….just any kind of stupid fight, except this “hi, I’m ignoring you, but I just wanted to say that I’m much happier now that we’re not talking anymore”.

Now it will pass another painfull 4 months of insomnia, tossing, turning, flopping around, deep sighs, staring at the ceiling, getting up, get some water, come back and search for reasons, before I’ll be ok. As for him, he already forgot about it. Jerk.

Spring break motherfuckers!!!

I am so not sober for the rest of tonight

and probably tomorrow..

I think I might be having an allergic reaction to the Universe

Why do the old ladies that live next door find it necessary to fight out loud when they reach the elevator, on a beautiful beautiful sunday morning, when I’m dreaming a beautiful beautiful dream which should never end? Why did the delivery boy arrive an hour and a half late yesterday, when I was starving and all I wanted was a nice and WARM meal? Why doesn’t anyone smile anymore and everyone is making any kind of noise, as long as it reaches at least 100 decibels? Why do people think that if they don’t include the words “trust me”, “believe me” or “sincerely” in the conversation I won’t believe them? I DO believe you, just please stop with all the “I sincerely believe bla bla blas”! Why do people think I would be interesed in listening to their phone playlists when I take a walk in the park? Why do Dexter and Deedee speak romanian now? Why do people who have cool cars are invariable stupid? Why do we think that the only way we can succed in life is by being little suck-ups? Why is it that when bad things happen they come in sets? Why do I even bother?

So what are we going to do tonight, Brain? Same thing we do every night, Pinky…

So I decided to take over the world. Of course, I’ll wait ’til tomorrow to do this, but tonight I need a strategy that doesn’t require too much time or effort. So here it is:

My easy-7-step Plan to World Domination:

Step1: Build a discreet hideout in an abandoned russian factory, placed in the middle of nowhere.

Step2: Kidnap at least 100 children from an orphanage and make them my slaves. Then train them to adress me as “The Great and Generous Master”.

Step3: Hire some genius crazy scientists to train an army of mosquitos to attack anyone I want. If they refuse, kidnap their kids and threaten to enslave them.

Step4: Move my secret lab in a country that has abundant oil reserves and wait for the U.S.A. to attack, justifying their actions by calling me a terrorist.

Step5: Get really mad and send my mosquitos to kill U.S.A.’s president. The Secret Service won’t know what hit them!

Step6: Move my secret lab inside the White House and become president of the U.S.A. therefore ruler of this world!!!

Step7: Scream loudly : MuhahaHAHA muderfukers!

Additional (and optional) Step: Release all orphans and give them candy.

Hi, my name is Mosquito Magnet

Apparently I represent irresistible, delicious, mosquito bait. Otherwise I can’t explain why my room is now full of creepy, unwanted, blood-sucking insects, awaiting their feast. And they’re not like….little, baby-mosquitos, that you could confuse with a needle until they start to move. No. Not like that. More like some mosquitos that survived Chernobyl. They might as well have been smoking cigarettes and flipping channels from my bed when I walked in.

Now, I’m not afraid of bats, or mice, or lizards or anything of that type. But I am deathly afraid of insects, especially of those whose size requires them travel with a valid passport. And, I don’t kill mosquitos. First, because I’m afraid to get close enough to do the killing. Who knows, it might jump onto my face, crawl up my nose, and embed itself in my brain, laying eggs and having dinner parties. Second, because I try to avoid the mess they make on my wall when I kill them. Third, because I’m not a fan of the carnage-clean-up. Mosquito body parts could go everywhere, legs, antennae, a wing or something equally ridiculous could end up inside one of my shoes. Just the IDEA of that makes my head hurt. Oh, and fourth, I have this freakin idea that if you kill one, they all start to attack you.

Now I’m a little worried. I wear a combination of scents, soaps, deodorants and fabric softeners that for some reason mosquitoes find irresistible. I can already see myself tortured in my sleep by these bastards, waked up several times at night by their buzzing, injured while trying to swatt them and bleeding to death due to excessive biting.

And as if going through mosquito hell wouldn’t be enough reason to hate them, now there is something new to worry about: chikungunya. That’s pronounced CHIK-un-gunya, with the accent on the first syllable. Or just chik, for short. The symptoms include a sudden severe headache, high fever, rash, nausea, vomiting and severe, disabling joint pain. There is no vaccine and no cure available, other than relief of the symptoms with analgesics and anticonvulsants. Most people recover within about a week, but the joint pain may continue for up to six months. In the past, chik has always been assumed to be non-fatal, but lately, deaths are being reported. Fortunately, the specie that carries this disease only lives in India, but there’s no end to my paranoia when I’m near mosquitos.