Hi, my name is Idiot.

Me (while browsing the web, for a SPF moisturizer): Oh, look, this looks nice! and it says I can have a free 14 days trial! WHOA, I should get this!

Me (after 4 days, when the moisturizer has been delivered to my door): Yey, my free moisturizer is here! I’ll be high all day!

Me (after the 14 days trial, heading to the door, after hearing a buzz): Hey there, delivery guy, what’s up?

UPS delivery guy (with a bored face): Delivery ma’am. Is this for you?

Me (confused): Ummm…no…I’m not expecting anything…

UPS delivery guy (extremely bored face): Well, is this your name, ma’am?

Me (trying my best not to slap him in his face): Yes, it is, just hand me the damn package, I’ll sign for it!

Me (more confused than ever): Ummm…It’s a new moisturizer…only bigger…and it says 31 days supply…I wonder what’s the deal with this one…

Me (checking my bank account): Hooolly SHIT!!! when did I spend $89??? damn it, it must be the moisturizer, but still…what the fuck?!?!

Me (checking the moisturizer page again): Ummm…..bla bla bla….bla-freakin-bla…doesn’t say anything about eighty-fucking-nine bucks!!!

Me (after 40 minutes, still checking the goddamn moisturizer page): ummm….bla-bla-bla…oh, I wonder what this tiny-whiny-little sign, in the tiny-whiny-little-hidden-recess of the page says…:

I understand that by ordering *##$$%%^^* moisturizer, I am agreeing to receive *##$$%%^^* moisturizer for a free 14-day trial period (days of availability for actual usage could be less depending on shipping time) beginning on date of order. $4.00 (non-refundable) for S&P. I understand that unless I cancel by calling 1-801-208-7499 within this 14-day period, beginning on the 15th day my credit card will automatically be charged $89.31 (Free Shipping) for a 31 day supply of *##$$%%^^* moisturizer to be shipped at that time to my door. Thereafter, until and unless I cancel, my credit card will automatically be charged an additional $89.31 every 31 days for a new supply of *##$$%%^^* moisturizer. I understand that I may cancel any future shipments Monday through Friday by calling 1-801-208-7499. Our hours of operation are from 8am to 5pm MST.I understand that this consumer transaction involves a negative option and that I may be liable for payment of future goods and services, under the terms of this agreement, if I fail to notify the supplier not to supply the goods or services described.

Me (hanging on my last hope): huh, that’s ok, I’ll just return the stupid moisturizer in its original, unopened, packaging, and tell the dickheads to give me my money back. Yup, that’s what I’ll do. I wonder if I can find the returning adress on this page…umm….I wonder what this other tiny-whiny-little sign says…ummm…let’s see…zooooom…:

We do not accept returns on any products that have been shipped.

Me (practically numb and hopeless): Gosh, I truly am an idiot.