Punk’d

Sooo…I have a new job. That’s good news. Bad news is, I also have a new boss. Who happens to be a middle-aged Polisher, who’s ready to flatter Hitler, if that will get her personal advantage. She’s also the biggest business-card collector and she’s ready to fax you her ass next morning, if your card contains the words “manager”, “executive” or “entrepreneur”. We’ll call her “S” from now on, to ensure my protection and to save her from public humiliation.

My second boss happens to be her 25 years old son. He likes to call himself an “entrepreneur” (French for “unemployed”) and to tell everybody that he likes to be his own boss. He hates his mother, other bosses, rules, tidiness, authority and taxes. He likes Metallica, BMWs and spending his summer at Vama Veche (Y-UCK!). We’ll refer to him as “A”, but enough about him, today’s story is about the big boss, THE SLAVER.

The Slaver called me yesterday to let me know we have some work to do, and because she wasn’t able to find an edifice for our headquarters, we’ll have to work at her apartment. Duteous as you know me, I executed the orders and in less than an hour I was at her door. The apartment was lousy with business cards on which I could read “A. O. – Mayor”. Aghhh… I was already sensing a really odd day. Like …”OK, Slaver, I get it, you’re friends with the mayor, have a cupcake”.

Anyway…I wanted to know about the new project and found out that we (and by WE I mean ALL THREE OF US) would have to work at least 10 hours a day, in order to finish until the due date. It seems like my estimation was slightly erroneous, because S felt like three is too much.

S: “OK darlings, so I have an appointment at the Beauty Salon, I think you’ll manage without me, won’t you? B’buy!”

A: “Bye, mom.”

Me: ” Bye, lazy, useless bitch.”

While I was working my ass off and hoping never to see Mrs. “I’m too incompetent to do any real work but I have the authority to fuck up the work of those who aren’t” again, there she was: all radiant like she just had sex with the mayor.

S: “Hey, sweeties, missed me?”

A: “Whatever…”

Me: “Hi, Mrs. S”

S: “Hey, could you take a break and meet me in the kitchen? I want to ask you something.”

Me: “Sure…”

S: “Hey, I’ve just cut my hair, what do you think?:

O.M.G.!!! She was seriously asking my opinion about her freaking hair!

Me: “Mrs. S, the project isn’t going to write itself…”

S: “Wait, do you think my fringe would look better if I comb it backwards? I don’t like it like that, I want to personalize it, you know? I want to have my own hair style.”

Her “hair style” looked like someone just cut her hair with a pudding bowl.

Me(practically begging for mercy): “Yeah, maybe you should try that with hair gel.”

S: “Would you mind doing that for me?”

Me: “Maybe later.” (meaning “in your dreams, freak!”).

S: “OK then, maybe after I take a bath. I have to look good tonight, you know? I’m going out with the other babes, it’s N’s birthday, we’re going to drink some coktails at Gerald’s and hopefully meet some guys interested in us.”

My ears were bleeding… “the other babes”?!?!? gross!!! “meet some guys interested in us”?!?!?! You have a better chance of meeting the Easter Bunny!!!

I pretty much hate people in general. But this was beyond reasonable limits. So I got back to work, in an effort to definitely erase the scene from my brain. And I was doing a pretty good job with that, untillll…until I heard her calling my name.

Me: “Yes…”

S: “Come here, I have something I want to tell you!”

Me (looking for her in the kitchen): “OK, but where are you?”

S: “In the bathroom dear…”

I’m stupid most of the time, so I knocked and entered. What came next was almost unreal. She was taking a bath, naked, in the bathtub. And she wasn’t all covered by those white bubbles you see in movies. And she started talking and talking and giving me directions and saying how important it is for me to write something in the additional act and bla bla bla and other bla bla blas and I….I was just waiting for that Ashton dude, with his retro trucker hat, to come and make an ass of himself and yell loudly “oooohhh, duuuuude…you’ve just been punk’d… you should’ve seen your face…HILARIOUS!”.