Living with seven perfect strangers under the same roof for 4 months is hard enough, even without them using your toothbrush to clean their dirty pair of sneakers or your way-to-expensive-salon-shampoo to wash their clothes. But when you have to deal with this on a daily basis, things will eventually go insane and one day you’ll just grab a perfectly sharp knife and chop off everybody’s heads.
So I thought you could use some tips on how to avoid commiting murder and spending the rest of your life in prison.
1. When a certain fuckhead brings his food to your room, instead of eating it in the kitchen, like normal people usually do, and then says he’s sorry, but there’s no TV in the kitchen and his stomach won’t correctly digest food if he doesn’t watch TV while eating, KEEP YOUR CALM! Just grab the stupid TV and move it to the kitchen. See how easy that was? Oh, and don’t grab the kinfe on your way back!
2. If some other spoiled brat leaves his dirty dishes in your room after he’s finished eating, do not panic! He’s probably one of those really cool and sophisticated artists who think a dirty plate adds a certain charm to the room, when it’s placed on the bed. Just grab the plate and move it on HIS bed; we don’t want your room to be more charming than his, do we?
3. Now if another loud and obnoxious dickhead lays his dirty feet on the table after finishing eating, it’s ok, just think happy thoughts, everything is good, do not look for that knife!
Actually …I have no peacefull idea for this one, so find that knife and cut both his legs. Just make sure he doesn’t bleed to death, we don’t want him dead, we just want him to suffer.
4. If one day you come home tired from work and on your couch you find two people practically having sex, DO NOT GET ANGRY! They’re not doing it just to get on your nerves, they are doing it because they are two horny pigs who can’t keep it in their pants for more than an hour and find very kinky and exotic having sex on your couch, instead of on their boring bed. Just pore a bucket of cold water on them, this should keep things cool. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT cut his balls with that knife! Oh, and try to erase that scene from your memory, there’s no need for you to puke on your couch every time you see it!
5. If one of the bitchfaces that lives with you constantly digs through your stuff and uses all your make-up, and everytime you bring a friend home she hits on him, pretending to be your “best-est friend”…you’re on your own…I’m still working on this.
6. You may also have difficulties keeping it cool when:
-you will find out that somebody has eaten your bread and drank your beer.
-you won’t get any sleep because of the loud music your fucker roommates are listening to, in the middle of the fucking night
-you will find some bastard’s underware on the bathroom floor. YUCK, dickhead?!?
7. If any of the above advices doesn’t work, grab that knife and solve things your one style, just don’t waste your energy throwing icy get-the-fuck-out-of-my-room-you-idiot-I’m-trying-to-get-dressed glances, it won’t work!
For more information on how to survive living with your worst enemies, log on to this blog next month, when we’ll have a Halloween special!
Until next time, try to stay out of prison and don’t forget your toothbrush and your shampoo in the bathroom!
