I only think I live alone

So the giant mosquitos are still a problem. I’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work (Raid is useless!!! but I’ve succeeded in killing one with hairspray). My arms are all covered with mosquito bites and right now I’m just thankfull they don’t like my face.

Since I live alone, I had to devise a way to deal with this. So, my brilliant mind has come up with the most genius of plans. I TRAP the mosquito under a bowl. Preferably clear glass. Hopefully tossing with aim accurate enough from four feet away to land right on top of it. And then, I just wait until it starves to death. I’ll leave that bowl there for weeks if I have to. I don’t care.

Now I say clear glass because there have been times when I’ve trapped insects under something opaque, and when, three weeks later I went to remove the bowl, I found nothing NOTHING underneath. Oh. My. God. That just means it’s waiting somewhere in a dark recess of my apartment to do the crawl up my nose, eggs, dinner party thing.

I know it sounds cruel to starve an insect to death, especially an insect big enough to pay me rent, but then, it’s also cruel to stab it with a random magazine. And really, why get mosquito insides on my pretty fashion magazines? So now, I have a pet. A pet on death row. I think I’ll name him Boris.

Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating

“You’re a blushing school girl. Or a blithering idiot. One of the two.” (one of my brilliant friend’s quote).

I vote blithering idiot.

While walking home with a friend, last night, a very handsome, very tall, very square-jawed guy with piercing blue eyes, walks out of the bar and walks past us, checking his phone messages.

Our conversation, taking its obvious and natural course, turns into how I plan on spending the weekend making barbecue. I mean, what else would two girls in high-heels be talking about at 2 o’clock in the morning?

Square-Jaw, for some reason only God in heaven knows, has turned around, and is now standing behind me, listening to this INSANITY. Listening to me yammer on about GRILLING and PORK. And then turns to me, in an attempt to start a normal, human-on-human conversation, and says, “You grill?“

Clearly incapable of having a homosapien-like conversation, I respond, “Yeah, I guess, if I need to. Sometimes. I mean….uh, yeah. I guess. Uh, yeah.“

Square Jaw, somewhat taken aback, but still hopeful of finding intelligent life in his way home, tries again, “I hear guys talk about that stuff all the time, but never a girl.“

As I start blushing furiously FURIOUSLY (like my head is about to explode off my neck) I respond, “Um, yeah. Grilling, I uh…sure. Barbecue. ” And take a right turn in my way home.

THIS, folks, is why I deserve to be single.

Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of icecream!

So I’ve decided that the reason guys can be very relaxed after a breakup and immediately hook up with another chick is that the XY chromosome is missing that extra extension of the XX chromosome housing the gene that keeps me awake and upset for months.

There is this guy I had a crush on, four months ago. Unfortunately, he gave me the “it’s not you, it’s me” sh*t just before Christmas and since then we are ignoring each other. But today seemed to him like a nice day to get into a fight. Not the kind of fight you are now imagining, no. A more stressfull kind of fight, the kind that even though doesn’t contain words like “bitch” or “asshole” or “dickhead”, it hurts hell more.

So after four happy months of ignoring each other, he sends me this message, just to say “Hi, I’m still ignoring you. Have a Happy Easter. P.s. I hope you’re happy. [just like we (n.r. me and my new girlfirend) are]“.

Now I would’ve prefered any other kind of fight. The “Fine.” “Fine!” “FINE!” “FIIIIIIINE!!!!!” kind of fight; or the simultaneous screaming “I hate you, you jerk!” “You’re a pain in the ass!” “I can’t believe I actually dated you!” “One more sound out of you, and I’m going to toss you over the balcony!” that ends abruptly into an uncomfortable silence; or the, “You did WHAT?!” “But..I…” “WHAT?!” “Oh YEAH? Well what about the time you…” “Don’t you even bring that up. That has nothing to do with this!” “Yes it does!” “Shut up.” “You shut up.” “No, you shut up.” “No, you.” “Aaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!” fight. I mean….just any kind of stupid fight, except this “hi, I’m ignoring you, but I just wanted to say that I’m much happier now that we’re not talking anymore”.

Now it will pass another painfull 4 months of insomnia, tossing, turning, flopping around, deep sighs, staring at the ceiling, getting up, get some water, come back and search for reasons, before I’ll be ok. As for him, he already forgot about it. Jerk.

Spring break motherfuckers!!!

I am so not sober for the rest of tonight

and probably tomorrow..

I think I might be having an allergic reaction to the Universe

Why do the old ladies that live next door find it necessary to fight out loud when they reach the elevator, on a beautiful beautiful sunday morning, when I’m dreaming a beautiful beautiful dream which should never end? Why did the delivery boy arrive an hour and a half late yesterday, when I was starving and all I wanted was a nice and WARM meal? Why doesn’t anyone smile anymore and everyone is making any kind of noise, as long as it reaches at least 100 decibels? Why do people think that if they don’t include the words “trust me”, “believe me” or “sincerely” in the conversation I won’t believe them? I DO believe you, just please stop with all the “I sincerely believe bla bla blas”! Why do people think I would be interesed in listening to their phone playlists when I take a walk in the park? Why do Dexter and Deedee speak romanian now? Why do people who have cool cars are invariable stupid? Why do we think that the only way we can succed in life is by being little suck-ups? Why is it that when bad things happen they come in sets? Why do I even bother?